Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
You Might Also Like
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.