Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
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Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.