Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
You Might Also Like
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand