Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
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THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess