ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon