Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
#polloftheday
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
We cut our bangs at dawn.