Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.