Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
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Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.