Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You Might Also Like
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Grandmother clock.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.