Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
📽️movie date🎞️
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man