Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
You Might Also Like
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
You wish you had this many chins.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
(Electricians.)
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?