Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
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Living the best life.. 😊
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
We like the way Dwight thinks
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.