Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
You Might Also Like
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.