Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… đ
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: howâs my son doing?
Prof: Iâve never seen this man in my life
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your âloved ones.”
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Karate isnât always the solution but when it is, itâs the ONLY solution
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Netflix should have a catergory called âeasy to follow while looking at my phone the whole timeâ
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Iâm gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I think weâve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I donât love darts but my family and friends will be like âwow we never really knew himâ.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When someone says âNo Biggieâ, I reply with ânot since â97â and immediately break down crying
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.