ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
New menu item
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever