ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don鈥檛 get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he鈥檚 big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I鈥檓 not a 10. I鈥檓 more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they鈥檙e about to be eaten
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 馃檨
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
“That’s what” – She
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she鈥檚 teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they鈥檝e seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog