Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Pretty much. 🤣
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
This took me a second..
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
quarantine day 3
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.