Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
choose your gary
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.