me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Covid like
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…