High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
You Might Also Like
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.