Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
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School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Aight bet
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.