Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
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Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
This is enough internet for the day.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you