@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
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@DadandBuried: "Try it, it's so good!" "Come on, man. Just a taste." "I'm having some. Mmmm." "Trust me." Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
@Dank_Pal: They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
@dafloydsta: FRIEND: Women like when you're mysterious ME: Okay [later on date] HER: So where are we going tonight? ME: None of your goddamn business