@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
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@TheBoydP: Drink like a fish and you'll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you'll never feel like one...
@AaronFullerton: Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
@Mikecanrant: I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.
@adult_keverage: Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.