@nayele18: Meant to tell my daughter "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Tuesday because this is bullshit"
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@rockymomax: [having sex] Her: HARDER! ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers? Her: 44&66 HARDER!
@bea_ker: [circus school] "So to tame the lion, you have this whip..." What if the lion's too close? [picking up tiny stool] "we've thought of that"
@Donna_McCoy: Once again the nurse sighs and writes "patient refused to step on scale" into my medical chart.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.