*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.