*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.