Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.