A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
You Might Also Like
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I wish I could veto my bills.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I have so many questions.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.