@funnyordie: Meanwhile, at the White House... #matwh
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@murrman5: [backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this? [next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
@Parkerlawyer: I pan fried chicken tonight. On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
@alli_win: There are plenty of fish in the sea. There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
@Storminika: Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn't good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.