If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
japanese corn
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs