Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
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If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry