[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
You Might Also Like
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…