Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
it must be school picture day