My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
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I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.