you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I鈥檓 going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!