Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
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RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.