*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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I had to Stop for this
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.