How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
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So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
everyone’s a critic
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”