My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
nature’s most graceful animal
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?