The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
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I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.