it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
You Might Also Like
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this