@ArrogantBB8: *watches a movie with you* *loudly beeps during all the good parts*

@shaun_jen: Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I'm a big fan! True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I'll wait

@stevevsninjas: You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

@crazylikeanox: I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator

@LoveNLunchmeat: Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don't care if it was a mistake. You're turning left now.