@lwhit_the_boss: The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet
@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering
@shatterpants: I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.
@ceejoyner: Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.
@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone]
"NO! Don't scroll left!"
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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