@lwhit_the_boss: The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I'm amazed I haven't tried to date it yet

@TheSharona06: At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item Cashier: Are these good? Me: No. I'm buying all of them just to save others from suffering

@shatterpants: I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.

@ceejoyner: Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent's face there is no known comeback.

@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.