@doktorj: A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier

@iQuoteComedy: What do we want?" "A cure for ADHD!" "When do we want it?" "Squirrel!"

@kibblesmith: Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS

@indecision: New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

@living_marble: "Go to hell" is so abstract. "Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months." Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.