@michaeljhudson: Cop: do u have anything illegal in the vehicle Me: *thinks about all the drugs in the car* no Cop: why did you just say asterisk thinks abo

@mstluvstrinkets: People dating on the internet have it so easy. Back in my day, a man would walk uphill both ways in the snow to disappoint a woman.

@KRISTIN36467255: boss: why aren't you working? me: i didn't see you coming!

@murrman5: "john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date"

@cashbonez: I've decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going "I saw your corn"