Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
You Might Also Like
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck