me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first