mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Are you ok, human???
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Am getting real tired of your crap…
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My circle of trust is a meatball
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?