Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
The happy life.. 😊
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.