Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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Tammy is short for Tamuel
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The photographer’s assistant
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
The struggle is real.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”