Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Ugh but profoundly
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
My life coach traded me.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
so this horse walks into a bar
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.