Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
You Might Also Like
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
It’s a gift
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver