They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
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I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep