“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
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How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Happy thanksgiving
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My neck, my back, my…
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school