[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
You Might Also Like
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”