Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.