Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Maths meets science
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.