Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
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Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we鈥檒l make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
goldfish mafia
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i鈥檓 eating a frisbee
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 馃檨
I WON A HAM TODAY
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 馃槶馃張馃摵
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7