Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Oh my God.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.