ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
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I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Worst Native American name ever.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.